But I Don't Understand
by Raven's Bard
Summary: Xander and Anya talk about Joyce. Contains spoilers for "The Body".


Title: But I Don't Understand (1/1) 

Author: Raven's Bard 

E-mail: ravensbard78@yahoo.com 

Pairing: A/X 

Disclaimer: Nothing in the Buffyverse belongs to me. Joss owns it all. 

Rating: PG 13 

Spoilers: The Body 

Distribution: Just tell me where it's going. 

Summary: Xander and Anya talk about Joyce. 

Notes: Vega asked me to write a Anya/Xander fic and once I saw "The Body", this idea popped into my head. Feel free to thank him for this one. 

********** 

Anya and I finally got home from the hospital. Giles had filled out all the paperwork and had Buffy sign what she needed before he took her and Dawn home. Both of them were still almost catatonic with grief. 

Wills and I agreed to go by Buffy's house tomorrow. We could figure out patrol schedules with Giles then. 

I watched Anya head to the bathroom to get ready for bed as I grabbed a drink from the fridge. She didn't say anything on the ride home, which made me wonder how much this was truly affecting her. Emotions like love and caring come easy to her now. Fear too, but that's understandable since she started helping us out with the slaying. 

But I worry about how she's dealing with all of this. Grief and loss aren't something she's had to experience until now. I know Anya liked Joyce. Buffy's mom took her tendency to bluntly speak her mind pretty well. Better than most actually. Even I sometimes get a bit frustrated when Anya suddenly blurts out something embarrassing. At least she's stopped talking about our sex life, for the most part. 

I sigh as I rinse out my glass and set it on the counter to clean tomorrow. I notice Anya is done in the bathroom so I head in to brush my teeth and use the can. I shut off the lights after I'm done and lock up before I walk back to the bedroom. 

Throwing my clothes off into the dirty laundry basket, I climb into bed next to her in my boxers. Anya is laying on her side facing away from me. She doesn't even acknowledge me with a "goodnight" or anything so I know I've done something. 

Or maybe it's something I haven't done. 

Anya's words from earlier run through my head as I stare at the ceiling.   


'What am I doing?' 

'Are we going to see the body?'   


I roll over to look at the length of her pale back not covered by her camisole.   


'What am I doing?' 

'Are we going to be in the same room as the body?'   


Her words from before strike me as they did then and I turn away from her.   


'What am I doing?' 

'Should I be changing my clothes? Is that the helpful thing to do?'   


I look over my shoulder at her once more and I can see her shoulders shake minutely as she cries silently. I know I should comfort her but I don't know how.   


'But I don't understand!'   


That single phrase rings in my head loud and clear as if she was screaming it within my mind. And I knew what she wanted then. 

"I don't understand either, Anya," I say quietly as I watch her in the dark of the room. 

"I don't think anyone truly understands why.. this.. happens. I wish I did. Maybe then I could help you...," I sigh out. I notice her shaking has stopped so I continue. 

"I know it all seems so simple. There's her body. There's Joyce. She must want to come back to her daughters. Why not just hop back into her body until she's really ready to leave, right?" I feel tears threatening to fall as I think of Buffy and Dawn left alone with Joyce gone. "But.. there's a reason our lives are short. There's a reason we can't just go back into our bodies. I probably don't know that reason, but maybe part of it has to do with.. if we have only a short time being alive, it should help us appreciate the time we get that much more." 

Anya rolls over and looks into my eyes with tears of her own falling down her beautiful face. I pull her close to my chest as we both shed tears. 

Tears for Joyce. 

Tears for Buffy and Dawn. 

Tears for each other's pain. 

Tears for the countless times we had to hold them back. 

We hold each other for what seems like an eternity before Anya pulls back to look up at me. 

"Thank you," she whispers. 

"You're welcome," I say with a small smile. "And I'm sorry." 

"Sorry?" 

I nod at her confused expression. "Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't explain.. or even try to. I didn't realize that this was hurting you too. I was too focused on my pain.. or Buffy's or Dawn's, and for that I'm sorry." 

Anya smiles up at me in understanding. She pulls my face down to hers and meets my lips in a slow, gentle, comforting kiss. One that shows her forgiveness as well as her love and support. 

After a minute or two, we come apart and she turns around to spoon up against my body. I cuddle closer to her before I decide I should say one more thing. 

"How about this: from now on if you ever need to understand something about an emotion take me aside when we have a free moment and ask. I will do my best to never push you aside like this again." 

She hugs my arm to her as she answers, "Thank you and I love you." 

"No, thank you," I say quietly. I gently kiss the top of her head and whisper. "I love you, Anya." 

As sleep overtakes us, I thank whoever is up there for giving me Anya and I pray for them to take care of all of us in the days to come. 

********** 

The End 

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End file.
